sacred strokes

This evening, a dialogue occurred as I was getting some ice cream out for dessert for the kids and me. 

You know, one of those ordinary kinds of moments and then the conversation takes a turn to something that leaves you in another mental or even spiritual state entirely…  It’s unplanned, it’s entirely organic and honest and you are left in prayerful reflection regardless of whether it veered more positive or negative in nature.

You’re left almost stunned that it just happened.

It’s one of those many times that reminds you how desperately you need Jesus and just how greatly you depend on the Lord’s wisdom, guidance and help when it comes to raising and responding to the children He entrusted to you to raise.

Because, ultimately, they’re His children, too.

You know the kind of interaction I’m talking about?

The conversation was this, between my 5 year-old son, my 3 year-old daughter and me:

Warren, as I walked away to get some spoons for us, as I hadn’t yet gotten those out for our ice cream: “Hey, mom, where ya goin?”

I replied, “I’m just getting some spoons quick since I forgot to get any out.”

Warren: “Oh, I thought you were leavin’ us!”

Me, teasing: “Leaving you?  Never!  I won’t ever leave.”

Warren, without a moment of hesitation: “Yes you will.  Someday you’ll leave to go to heaven.”

Me: “You’re right.  Someday, I will.  But I’m hoping that’s not for a long while yet.”

Colbie: “Mama, and when we go, you can hold me?”

Me: “I can hold you?”

Colbie: “Yeah, when we go to heaven, you can hold me?”

Me (trying to keep it honest but at a 3 year-old level while also not revealing even a hint that we will most likely not go to heaven at the same time which made a little lump form in my throat): “Yes, of course, I’ll always hold you as long as I can, baby.”

Colbie: “Yeah, and then when Jesus comes you can let me go.”

.

Now.  When I tell you that I almost instantly started crying, I’m just trying to sound a little more stoic than I actually am.  I’m about to tears again even now as I type this, and for reasons twofold. 

First, if you know Colbie, you know that I am her safe place.  That’s been the case since she was born and, even after turning 3 years old a couple months back, it still holds.  Often, like today, she will choose to go into the “big church” with me rather than going with her brother or her friends in the kids’ rooms on Sundays.  She can be shy around new people and will just wrap her arms around my leg.  She is carefree and silly at home, but even there, when she is hurt or sad or tired, onto mom’s lap she goes.  When I say that she is content just to be with me, no matter where we are or what we’re doing, it’s full fact.

To hear Colbie say that when Jesus comes, I can let her go may sound like nothing to others.  But to me, to hear her say that…. It told me that even at 3, she’s getting the message.  Maybe she gets it better than a lot of us.  Her earthly safe place right now at 3 years old is nothing compared to the eternal safe place we have in Jesus’s arms.  In His presence and under His holy, just and loving reign. While my arms may provide some level of comfort, they will ultimately fall short of the type of healing Colbie will need someday.  Whether it’s heartbreak, sickness, disappointment, loss… we humans all have to deal with some real hard stuff throughout our lives.  There is only so much my embrace can resolve for her.  It doesn’t mean I’ll ever stop offering her hugs and holds and snuggles and anything I can help to provide as her mom.  But I realize there are such limitations to what I can do, and that drives me to my knees for her now and for the days to come.

The thing is – the wonderful thing is – that when Jesus comes, He will resolve all of those deeper issues and pains.  All the heartbreak, all the loss and grief and tears and battle and suffering – it will all come to an end before Him.  When we get to see Him at the end of our days (if we pass before He returns), even then it will all fade away.

Throughout this life, too, when we are tired or scared or sad or hurt, we can find comfort and peace with Jesus.  His love, power and grace are unmatched – and He wants us to seek solace with Him.  He wants us to take hold of His hand, even if doing so means we need to let go of some other safety net we’d instead been gripping too tightly.  He is our Rock.  There is no other.

Taking hold of Jesus, even just the hem of his clothing, as in the case of the woman in Luke 8 – it will always be worth any of the letting go we may need to do.

Now, secondly, is the more personal reflection for me.  When Jesus comes, I can let her go.  I can let my kids go.  When Jesus comes calling, when He comes knocking, when He is there with them, I can let them go. 

Boy, it’s hard to think about that.  Indeed they are still young so it seems unfathomable at this stage.  But I don’t think it’ll be easy even once they’re older.  The amount of obedience and trust it takes to “let them go”, as the Lord intended, for them to follow Him and take hold of HIS lead in their lives…  Well, that’s something I’m still learning and perhaps something all parents need a great deal of time to grow into before our children are ready and grown, and before we are.  It’s sure a good thing they don’t grow full up in a mere 6 years because I’m not sure my heart could handle it even if my mind knew it was best.  The Lord is wise in His ways and He knows that parenting grows the parents throughout the journey (which lasts the rest of our lives) just as much as the children, and growth takes time.  We can trust Him even with those most dear to us, no matter the circumstance, even when it’s hard.

And those things you hold onto as some sort of penance or punishment?  Whether it’s guilt, shame, bitterness, resentment…. When Jesus comes, you can let that go.  When He shows up on the scene in your heart, that other stuff can be released.  It may take time, and work, and maybe some therapy and perhaps even some setbacks along the way.  But you CAN let it all go.

“And then when Jesus comes, you can let me go.”

Sheesh, baby girl.  These words have set off something within me that is both a release and a deep, deep sense of gratitude for the One who can be trusted with it all. 

And I’m so thankful that my 3 year-old clearly knows Him beyond His name. May we all.

Galatians 6:14,

HLC